Heaven or Hell?
Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors open and she finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it her dad...and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped her out over the years....... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy.... casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to May with a frosty drink, "Have a
Margarita and relax, Theresa!"
"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I’m watching my weight" says May, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, Theresa: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
May takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad.
They are having such a great time that, before she realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as May steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours, May is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster, and these people are all poor. She doesn't see anybody she knows, and she isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff.
"Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!"
The day is done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, May reflects for a minute, then answers:
"Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all --but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste. She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.
The Devil comes over to May and puts an arm around her shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked May, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar...drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."