Honour Board - Collaborative Limericks

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Dreamweaver
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Honour Board - Collaborative Limericks

Post by Dreamweaver » 18 May 2006, 20:30

The top ones are the new additions! There's a dotted line between them and the previous ones.

More from the joint efforts of Silverpeers game players!

There was an engaged man from France
Whose Fiancee loved to go out and dance
He tried to fandango
Crossed his feet in the tango.
They won the first prize just by chance.


Come on all you lasses and lads,
Come try some of the latest fads.
Stick a pin through your tongue
and a tat on your bum
and back your new mortgage with Dad's!


There was an old codger named Walter
who led Dusty down to the altar
for better or worse
and it got worse, of course
'cos he led her down there on a halter!


Now Dusty is feeling quite peeved
at the same time she's feeling relieved.
It wasn't the halter
that caused her to falter
'twas the knowledge that she'd been deceived.

What I wouldn't give to get hold of "the Sheik"
in a tent in the desert on next Tuesday week.
I would seek the shade
and a cool lemonade
and I would bonk without giving a shriek.


The gurus on telly are very profound
As their views on the world to us they expound
they blind us with science
don't welcome defiance
they'll feed us more crud, I'll be bound

When the dew on the meadows is shining
my homesick old heart starts to pining
for my dear old home town
is all dusty and brown,
a victim of open cut mining


When dining with someone refined
Your Ps and Qs you should mind.
Do not roll your R's
or thank them with ta's
and don't ever scratch your behind.

Two fellows were talking on Sunday
of what they would do on the Monday.
One said to the other
"Let's go get my brother
and we'll go to the pub for a Bundi."


There once were three maidens from Halifax
who said "We've got what Aunt Sally lacks.
We may not be classy
but we look pretty sassy
especially in tight fitting slacks

Hurry up and answer the door
for I am down here on the floor
passed out from shock
from that very loud knock
and there's cockroaches down here galore!


Three ladies were locked in the slammer
for gross indecency and extremely bad grammar
The graffiti they wrote
which I really can't quote
as I suffer from quite a bad stammer.

I'm sorry, I ought to be serious
but I'm sixty and slightly mysterious
I'm wearing dark glasses
so that when I make passes
I won't make the poor chap delirious


We've run out of paper cried Bill
and I've taken a laxative pill
If I can't wipe my rear
I'll just wash it with beer
Sounds easy? It's a specialised skill!

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BEST LIMERICKS 2006


Six ounces of flour and some butter
Bake with sugar, add candle aflutter
Then cut it in slices
And feed to the mices
So guests won't eat it and mutter.


There once was a gorgeous young blonde
so worried and shook by the pond
The frog on a lily pad
Needed kissing real bad
So she kissed it and found she'd been conned


A young lady was 'up the duff'
Her father was acting quite gruff
He found his shotgun
Took off at a run
Shot a duck and some bloke in the buff


Take a good sized lump of dough
Swing it high and swing it low
And when you are done
Shape it into a bun
Add a raisin and leave it to grow

The last rose of summer was blooming
Whilst it's petals a grub was consuming
Said the grub, "Now I'm sated
I'm going to get mated
with the she grub I'm sharing a room-in"


On my travels around Lithuania
I developed a lithograph mania
Bought many a print
which I view through my squint
that I got from a doc in Albania

Whilst visiting granny in Spain
I developed a bad tummy pain
The Paella was iffy
I'm feeling quite squiffy
I think I'll go stand in the rain.


I was watching the telly last night
When Big brother gave me such a fright
I was disgusted to see
The Queen serve High Tea
while the Duke supped his beer and got tight.


Elizabeth the first wore a collar
It got caught on her crown...did she holler!
Made of very starched lace
on a sticky old base -
She suffered worse than those born to squalor


A highwayman rode over the moor
he wasn't there just for the tour
he got lost in the fog
but was found by his dog
and held up the next coach and four.

The landlord's blackeyed daughter
Did what she didn't oughter!
Slipped out one night
Got into a fight
And caused a gawd awful slaughter.


The nice man was selling insurance
He needed much guts and endurance
A door slammed in his face
He got clobbered with mace
By Nikita and Josie and Laurence

He was looking up into the stars
Had grown sick of the singles bars
Telling the same old story
of faith, hope & glory
He'd rather be heading for Mars


If Adam and Eve and their sons
Ate the snake's apples by the tons
They could have been banished
For being so famished
Or for having apple induced runs.

....................................................................



With long hair and a bird's nest beard
Wearing sandals and robe, looking weird
With a safety pinned nose
And rings on his toes
He was everything I'd always feared


A Scots wee laddie fra Dundee
couldna bear a Glaswegian to see
that beneath his clan tartan
the wee lad had nart on
and his haggis was the size of a pea

While dancing a wild Highland Fling
I forgot I was wearing my bling
I kicked my leg high
Got a smack in the eye
My bling took a fling on the wing


Well, dancing is alright for some
As long as their feet are not numb
When I do the Tango
In my home town Durango
I go A over T on my Bum

The way to his heart? Through stomach, they say
Washing socks, ironing shirts...all without pay
Making beds, washing dishes
Fulfilling his wishes
And never one measly bouquet !!

When the bride took a walk down the aisle
The groom, with a most nervous smile,
Took a look at her Mother
And her gun totin' brother
And left before things got hostile.

Why have you gone and left me here
Because you have bad breath, my dear
And every time you nag
I wish I had a gag
Your halitosis quite excels, I fear!


On hot summer days when ladies glow
And long to roll naked in the snow
From buttock to neck
They might cry "What the heck!
'Tis better than sweating, you know!"

Blow out the candle alight on the cake.
The right number too much space would take
I counted just forty,
But isn't that naughty?
No! I'm only as old as I fake.


Who is this cuckoo in my nest
He surely don't look like the rest
Three wings and two beaks
A back end that leaks.
The original unwelcome guest.

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Uluru is a blooming great boulder
What you'd never move just with your shoulder
I tried and I failed
So I sat and wailed
But I left when my bottom got colder


Her cat woke and stretched for and aft
She did the same, and looked daft
One leg to the rear
A foot near her ear
And near the poop deck a jolly great draft!

If a Swan and a Duck were to mate
What to call it would be someone's fate
A Swack or a Dun
A Swadunk might be fun
But a Swuck might cause too much debate



Three men in a boat went out fishing
they were laughing and drinking and wishing
the boat wouldn't rock,
the fish wouldn't mock
And a hangover not all they were accomplishing

With the petrol as dear as champagne
Driving anywhere causes much pain
so we're staying at home
Got nowhere to roam
And opine it's a good time for rain.



The Hells Angel rode a great bike,
Full throttle, the sort that they like.
When dressed in black leather
Or nude in hot weather
You never know when he will strike.


Dear President B is sure no orator
But comes out on top as a conflict creator
With his brain not in gear
He strikes us with fear
with his hopes to be World Dominator


Whilst making a nice cup of tea
My rellies all came to see me
They ate all my cake
Leaving crumbs in their wake
Next time they'll entertain me.

My rellies arrive at odd times
Or as soon as the dinner gong chimes
One day I'll surprise them
For I'll hypnotise them
to eat only maggoty Limes



A young chap was smoking his pot
In a quiet and secluded spot
No worries for him
But his outlook turned grim
When the copper smelled out what he'd got!


Spring has sprung and blooms are blooming
The mower's bust and the grass needs grooming
I've started to sneeze
Gone weak at the knees
I fear hay fever is sadly looming!


If there's something that you have forgot
Don't get your knickers in a knot
Knotted hankies are best
if your memory's gone west.
Now, that knot must be for - what?

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I invited my friends for dinner
A doctor, a nurse and a sinner
The sinner chose steak
The nurse was a fake
Dr Strangelove I thought was a winner


A treasure we know as Costello,
Once an incredibly patient fellow,
Has now lost his cool
And is kicking his stool
With no intention whatever to mellow!

Once I started to write a story,
it was full of blood and was gory.
Everyone was shot dead,
Had bats in the head,
And I got not one whit of fame and glory!


A lady I know has a hairy chest
It sprouts out the top of her satin vest
She cared not to depilate
instead made it look ornate
And now it resembles a bird's nest


We went for a sail in our brand new boat
And we hoped it would stay afloat
We drank lots of beer
Didn't shed one tear
'til we hit the side of the moat.

The morning after the night before
My eyes were dim and my head was sore
I'd drunk too much gin
My head was a din
And alcohol bled from each pore


The old woman who lived in a boot
Decided she’d give not a hoot
She'd get up at noon
and go back to bed soon
and the kids lived by plunder and loot.

She was driving the car far too fast
Her passenger clung on, aghast
It wasn't the speed
that made her weak kneed
But the motorbike cop going past.


Her new car was gorgeous and red
She got it by going to bed
Her charges were minimal
and it wasn't quite criminal
Because no one ended up dead

What was it that made Georgie cry
Was it something that flew in his eye
Maybe ants in his pants
Cause his bleats and his rants
No! 'twas having to eat humble pie ! (what you might call Bush Tucker)


When walking alone in a fog
I tripped on a flippin' great log
Fell into the mud
And made a big thud,
Swore I'd never again drink cheap grog!

Signor Corleone isn’t flattered.
Perhaps you should call it, battered!
Our attempts to abuse him
Don't seem to amuse him
His ego is thoroughly shattered


Two little maids from school are we
One named Kiko and the other Mai-li
From Asia we hail
In Kimonos we sail
Seeking marriage in a far country

The fall of the Roman Empire
began with with a spark from a camp fire
the legions all fled
to escape being dead
and the Caesars all had to retire


An hilarious joker was Joe
He sported a goatee and mo
His jokes were quite risqué
Assisted by whisque
or any free hooch, don't you know!


If you have a liking for curry
To the dunny you might have to hurry
Where rare winds ensue
and blowflies subdue
The fumes also make your eyes blurry


A vagrant pawed through a garbage bin
He was hoping to score some sort of a win
He found some stale bread
And a severed head
With a rather unfathomable grin


And where will I find one I say
Who is neither ancient nor gay
A toy boy perhaps?
An oldie prone to naps?
Or one that can go all the way

There was an old man of Nepal
Who when answering nature's call
Would sing like a lark
And aim for a mark
Six foot up on the wall!

I've just had the most terrible thought
I've drunk more Heiniken than I ought
And Irish cream, too
then ate Beef Vindaloo
In my tum there's a war being fought!


A very drunk man fell off his stool
Said "Now don't think I'm really a fool
It's not what you think
Certainly not drink!
It's the barmaid that's making me drool!

She stood under a red light
In the darkest hours of the night
An officer drove by
And said with a sigh
I would if I could....and I might !


I was out on the highway hiking
Saw some friends out there who were biking
I asked for a ride
Scooted off to the side
One of the bikers was just to my liking.


Our President is in his final days
We're not surprised and not amazed
He's had his fun
The son of a gun
And left the people shocked and dazed


The Honorable Member for Tring
Said a most derogatory thing
Mr Speaker said 'No',
that is really bad show
and for that Sir, your hook you can sling.

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Another miss favoured bananas.
She ate them while wearing pyjamas
They squished on the bed
Try a carrot instead.
Better than a trip to the Bahamas


If I ever was a big star
Or owned a big luxury car
I'd ask all my friends
To ride in my Benz
And hold court at some fabulous Bar


A tall blond was acting quite coy
Was a girl, but now is a boy
He stood out in a crowd
And was rather proud
Cos he came from the high hoi paloi

I'm thinkin' of writing a poem
About all the ways that I roam
As I wander and rhyme
I remember the time
I just couldn't find me comb.


I looked simply everywhere
For a wider and plusher chair
For the size of my girth
Though it fills you with mirth
Gets a quite objectionable stare!


There once was a kindly old gent
Whose ancestors all came from Kent
He sailed in a boat
Round the castle's moat
And didn't know if he came or he went.

Modern Jazz is an acquired taste
That you cannot get if in great haste
Just listen and swoon
Or bay at the moon
Block your ears if it just can't be faced


Last night when I spoke to my nanny
And nae doot ye know she is canny
She said the first of each month
Drink a good glass of absinthe
An' have a braw hootenanny!

I've come to the pub for a drink or two
Can't wait to toss down that bitter brew
I'll stagger off home
Grab my toothbrush and comb
And come join you all for another few!


This cat had a sister called Mina
Who had a mother named Lina
Now Lina not Mina
was meaner and leaner
And keener than this cat, called Tina


There once was a kindly old gent
Whose ancestors all came from Kent
He sailed in a boat
Round the castle's moat
And didn't know if he came or he went

There once was a lyrical gent
Who wrote all his songs in a tent
He was writing a ditty
'Bout a day in the city
Where he wished he never had went.


I once read a very lewd book
On extremely rude things to cook
I cooked mountain oysters
For nunnery cloisters
And everyone came in to look


A Scotsman was roaming the moors
He started to freeze, with just cause
He should have worn trews
But a kilt he did choose
And the wind blew up his drawers

I know an old man who likes liquor
Though he knows it's bad for his ticker
At bedtime his brandy
He keeps nice and handy
Should he and his wife start to bicker


There once was a handsome young parrot
With a yen for the occasional carrot
It shunned fruit and seed
and ate veggies with greed
And lived in a high spacious garret

If you have a liking for curry
To the dunny you might have to hurry
Where rare winds ensue
and blowflies subdue
And the fumes will make your eyes blurry



BEST LIMERICKS 2005



When posting a joke on the net
Make it funny and do not forget
That clean it should be
And expletive free
And not something you'll live to regret....


On a stroll in the park one day
A gorgeous guy looked my way
He looked like a singer
And a bit of a swinger
But I’ll bet you a million he’s gay!

A girl took a walk in a wood
Because she was feeling so good
She met this nice guy
Who said "Come and lie
But remove that ridiculous hood"


A great debate was held at the site
To find out if maybe we might
Have a really wild orgy
With Bess and with Porgy
To last all day and all night


Along the dusty lane he walked
And to himself he quietly talked
Mutter, mutter, then a splutter.....
"I musta bin an utter nutter
To drink from wine that had been corked!"


A man stood on the burning deck
Wishing he had gone to tech
His pants were on fire
Flames crept even higher
And burnt his credentials to heck

When taking a trip out at sea
There's always a great urge to pee
So hang over the side
And don't do it wide
And don't do it standing by me!


I once had a role in a play
It was about poofters and gay
I had the starring part
Until I let out a fart
And was kindly sent on my way

There was an old dame by the sea
Who tripped and fell to one knee
A lad tried to save her
Tattoo and engrave her
All for a whopping great fee!


Our hero was tall and so sweet
The girls thought he was quite a treat
Dark was his hair
Complexion so fair
But you should see the size of his feet!

There once was a child of the light
Who crept out of the house in the night
Said "I want the moon!
And it better be soon
Or I'll yell and scream with all of my might!"


On a lake were three men in a boat,
two were rowing, to keep them afloat
the third was baiting his rod
He was a lazy old sod
And as well, a randy old goat!

Politicians all give me the woops
the burps, nervous tension and poops
So what we should do
To get rid of the poo?
Line up the politicians for shoots!


...
I dream, therefore I am.

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