Puns

For all the budding and experienced humorists, poets and comical verse lovers!

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Dawn

Puns

Post by Dawn » 12 Oct 2013, 23:25

1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
3. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
4. I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
5. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
6. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
7. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
8. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
9. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
10. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

Dawn

Re: Puns

Post by Dawn » 12 Oct 2013, 23:30

1. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

2. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

3. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

4. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

5. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

10. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

11. Every calendar's days are numbered.

12. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

13. When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.

14. I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.

15. He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

16. She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

17. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

18. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

19. It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

20. It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

21. There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

22. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

23. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

24. The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

25. Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.

26. There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.

27. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

28. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large

29. Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.

30. He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

31. Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.

32. Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

33. When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.

34. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

35. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

36. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

37. Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

38. To some - marriage is a word ... to others - a sentence.

39. Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.

40. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.

41. Atheism is a non-prophet organization

42. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

43. Old skiers never die -- they just go down hill.

44. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

45. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

46. When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.

47. An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.

48. How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

49. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

50. A pediatrician is a doctor of little patients.

51. Nylons give women a run for their money.

52. Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.

53. Ancient orators tended to Babylon.

54. The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

55. If you give some managers an inch they think they're a ruler.

56. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

57. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

58. Old burglars never die they just steal away.

59. A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.

60. Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.

61. Some people don't like food going to waist..

62. A cannibal's favourite game is 'swallow the leader'.

63. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

64. Girls who don't get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated.

65. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

66. A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.

67. A backwards poet writes inverse.

68. If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?

69. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

70. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

71. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

72. When chemists die, we barium.

73. A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver.

74. When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.

75. Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn't play the fairway.

76. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

77. A circus lion won't eat clowns because they taste funny.

78. A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?"

79. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.

80. A tattoo artist has designs on his clients.

81. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

82. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

83. When they bought a water bed, the couple started to drift apart.

84. What you seize is what you get.

85. Gardeners always know the ground rules.

86. Some people's noses and feet are build backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

87. Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.

88. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

89. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.

90. When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.

91. Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging

92. Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

93. Old programmers never die, they just can't C as well.

94. A music store had a small sign which read: Bach in a Minuet.

95. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

96. Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.

97. A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.

98. A ditch digger was entrenched in his career.

99. A girl and her boyfriend went to a party as a barcode. They were an item.

100. A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

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Dreamweaver
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Re: Puns

Post by Dreamweaver » 13 Oct 2013, 08:05

:laughing-rollingyellow:

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Maggs
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Re: Puns

Post by Maggs » 13 Oct 2013, 15:48

Many thanks Dawn, my chuckles responded as usual.

hawkeye
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Re: Puns

Post by hawkeye » 29 Oct 2013, 13:38

Some jewels embedded in here. I'm coming back to mine them. doh

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godfather
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Re: Puns

Post by godfather » 30 Oct 2013, 20:50

Dawn, still roflmao and crying tears.

Thanks for that!

:laughing-rollingyellow: :laughing-rollingyellow: :laughing-rollingyellow:
The devil whispered, “You cannot withstand the storm“ and I replied: “I am the storm!”.....Unknown.

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Veejay
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Re: Puns

Post by Veejay » 08 Aug 2014, 15:43

Mostly new ones, or not posted before, I think.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it...

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

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godfather
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Re: Puns

Post by godfather » 08 Aug 2014, 19:43

More laughs, thanks Veejay!

:heeheehee :heeheehee :heeheehee
The devil whispered, “You cannot withstand the storm“ and I replied: “I am the storm!”.....Unknown.

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Dreamweaver
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Re: Puns

Post by Dreamweaver » 08 Aug 2014, 21:50

Good ones, Veejay. :lol:

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Tedwalker
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Re: Puns

Post by Tedwalker » 30 Aug 2014, 16:48

Not quite a pun, but a good oldie.

How much wood would a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker would peck wood?

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Dreamweaver
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Re: Puns

Post by Dreamweaver » 30 Aug 2014, 20:24

Well, you know, the wood that a woodchuck would chuck, (if a woodchuck could chuck wood) is the wood that a woodchuck could chuck - if a woodchuck would chuck wood.

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Tedwalker
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Re: Puns

Post by Tedwalker » 31 Aug 2014, 10:55

That woodchuck doesn't seem at all well!

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