- Bronze Member
- Posts: 1507
- Joined: 25 Oct 2011, 14:39
- Location: Yeppoon
Now I've been around the world a bit
I've had my share of strife
Yeah anyway you look at it
I've led a pretty varied life
I've faced my fears when duty called
cause I never quit you see
but if you want to see what fear is
just mention " Colonoscopy ".
See I did that test for bowel cancer
cause mate I ain’t no fool
and my doctor sent me to a surgeon
cause blood showed in my stool.
Well I sat there in his office
he seemed nice and kind
but I started squirming in my seat
when he mentioned my behind.
This tube is fitted with a camera
there is not much for you to fear
I though mate you can bloody talk
its not going up your rear.
They gave me some instructions
at least that's what I think
and stuff called Pricopep in two clear bags
that I would have to drink.
The third bag it was larger
called Glycoprep to make you scour
you have to mix it up with water
and try drink it in an hour.
And I had to fast for near twelve hours
which would be a massive feat
cause there's not many things I'm good at
but mate I sure can bloody eat.
I had to wait till Sunday evening
so I got stuck into the beer
then pigged out on everything I could
as the cut off time drew near.
Low residue the diet said
I can tell ya I was pissed
I bloody nearly starved to death
cause there was nothing decent on the list.
I began the day in earnest
now clear fluids are the go
I scanned the list for fourex gold
but it didn't get a show.
I took my first dose of Picoprep
about half past one or two
and within half a bloody hour
I was squatting on the loo.
Take my tip mate, when you drink it
get to the toilet bloody fast
they said it was a laxative
but it was like a nuclear blast.
A loose and watery bowel movement
that's what the packet said I think
Well I started spurting violently
and God mate oh what a stink
Now this stuff that they called Glycoprep
you drink a litre in an hour
it tastes a bit like camel spit
and its face contorting bloody sour.
I thought I must be empty now
cause my rear was overheating
I'm sure I pushed out heaps of stuff
I can't remember eating.
The next day at the hospital
I signed a heap of forms and more
I can't remember what they said
I was just thinking what's in store.
They took me to this cubicle
the nurse was so refined
then I put these paper pants on
that barely covered my behind.
They wheeled me into surgery
doctor and nurse were standing ready
they hooked this tube into my arm
I'm thinking steady, Bob mate steady.
The time had come no turning back
if your squeamish hold your lid
these are the exact explicit details
of exactly what they did.
Can't tell ya mate, cause I don't know
despite all my doom and gloom
I remember talking to them
then waking up back in me room.
They could have done just anything
the nurse patted on my hand.
Its over now she whispered
as I came back from Disneyland.
A cup of tea and bickies
with milk or even cream.
I don't get this at home ya know
its gotta be a dream.
They took a polyp from my colon
which they hooked out with a snare
and they gave me pictures of my bowel
and I can claim on Medicare.
Well that was it, all over
Pathology said the test was fine
what was I concerned about
my body is a shrine.
But now they’ve sent me out a notice
which caused twitching in my rear.
Just to make sure there's no problems
I've got to do it all again next year.
Bob Pacey (c)
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 26816
- Joined: 20 Jun 2008, 15:11
- Location: South East Queensland,Australia
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 13606
- Joined: 31 Aug 2005, 20:41
- Location: Brisbane
I have been there too, and with the same result but no curtain call for appx 4 years. Phew!
When reading your poem I could remember and feel each of the phases over and over again.
Exactly as you described it so brilliantly.
You must admit to feeling a little more at ease after getting the result of the bowel cancer test.