Posted for your amusement
Sun, 22 Jun 2014
Readership of The Australian newspaper has reached a record high, according to an industry report obtained by The Kouk.
The confidential report, produced by industry leader Imakethisshitup, confirmed readership has skyrocketed despite sales of the national newspaper sinking to record lows and bird owners complaining of a shortage of suitable newsprint for the bottom of their cages.
The source told The Kouk that the decision to give away three-quarters of all copies of The Australian at airports was a "masterstoke" that drove the readership surge.
Disputing the circulation data from the Audit Bureau of Circulation which show plummeting sales for The Australian over the past decade, the Imakethisshitup report was based on the chain-weighted Milli Vanilli Robespierre statistical methodology which assumes that each copy of the free newspaper taken on a plane is read by the delivery person, one ground staff, three passengers, one of the flight crew, the cleaner, the driver of the recycling truck and the person at the newspaper recycling plant. There is also a 20 per cent up-scaling factor for those airline passengers who take the newspaper home or to the office where a further four people are assumed to have read it.
The Australian suggests that the readership figures would be higher if the newspapers were not recycled under the lefty green strategy to reduce deforestation. "The government impost and nanny-state big government recycling policy means that newspapers no longer find their way into landfill where they could be blown over the country side and read by another person picking up the rubbish", the source said.
These already impressive readership numbers may even understate the true position of The Australian given that Imakethisshitup refused the request of The Australian to double again the estimated readership numbers based its claim that readers were 'sort of' reading two editions each time they got a free paper given that each new newspaper is now printed on recycled paper. "It is like the reader is getting two additions with one copy", our source noted.
The Kouk contacted every living person who has ever worked at the IPA for comment. In a resounding validation of the Imakethisshitup report, every one of them agreed with the findings, even though none had ever seen the methodology used to reach these startling conclusions or read the report.